When the endurance we build means something

I’ve been slower to post here, as I seek a balance with this one very cyclical body. I’m unfolding the ways that a chronic condition has affected me at home, out in the world, everywhere I go.

For the majority of my time, I am now out of pain, and I am grateful. I’ve been able to joyfully carry on, teaching my regular yoga classes and Goat Yoga of course, but everything else looks different. My treatment has taken a toll on my energy reserves, often emptying them out and leaving a trail of brain fog. Even in the stillness, I struggle to write or even read.

I’m left scrolling mostly, not feeling sick, but not entirely well. I don’t appear ill, but I get tapped out easily, and my plans have to be ditched in an instant. I might feel fine 30 minutes before, but then need to abandon an outing in favor of rest. Priority is on the work I have committed to, and everything else just might get set aside.

I am resentful of how much rest I need. There’s a good deal of prep and recovery time from a big event like a concert or a night out of dancing. There’s so much self-trickery my brain does, telling me that I’m totally fine and just somehow lazy. The goals I set have to be adjusted, my expectations monitored. I try not to expect too much so that I’m not disappointed. It happens anyway.

In a strange way, it feels like I am building endurance by living through having none of it.

I’ve needed a little negative space, where nothing in particular need feel significant. Things can be simply what they are. My yoga practice is small and intentional. I’m reading for pleasure over production. I’m exploring new teaching horizons. I am studying astrology in a deep way.

I don’t know what I expected my summer to look like, but whatever it is, it’s different. And, I need something different.

The graphic designer and marketer in me wants to put out a consistent product, but I am anything but. So, I’m going to let this space evolve with it.

and I hope you’ll stick around.